I Did It, All Of It, For You
by Artemisdesari
Summary: Set after 5.02. One shot covering Dean's thoughts on that little scene with Cas in the hopital. Can be seen as Dean/Cas, more a friendship fic than anything.
1. Chapter 1

_I'm jumping on the bandwagon and writing a tag for 5.02! Get me! i'm still working on my other fic, Trade In My Halo, but couldn't write it until I got this thing out. I can be seen and Dean/Castiel pre-slash, and it was written with my slash goggles quite firmly in place, but mostly it's a friendship fic._

_**Disclaimer:** Does it look to any of you like I own it? If I did Dean, Sam and Cas would wear a whole lot _less_ clothing and my pairing would be cannon! So obviously I don't own it, not even a little bit!On that note, the parts in italics are taken directly from the episode, although I could have gotten a few words here and there wrong because I was transcribing it myself. Not that I'm complaining because I had to watch that part a few times to get it all down. This is always a good thing._

I Did It, All Of It, For You.

Dean knows that he should be dwelling a little more on the fact that Sam has decided to take himself out of the game, that his brother wants to take the time to get his head back together and get over this demon blood addiction as much as one ever can. Truth be told, however, a part of him is glad, pleased that he does not have to always watch his brother's back, that he does not always have to watch his own in case Sam goes off the rails again.

Except that is not what is bothering him, not really, because the Impala is quieter without Sam, just without his presence, and Dean has a lot more time to think and to process. He is not thinking about the fact that Sam is not hunting, not even thinking about Bobby's legs and how that is all his fault as well. He is thinking about Castiel, about the angel's plan to find God, and only in Dean's life would that be a literal statement rather than a metaphorical one.

_Enough, this is not a theological issue, it's strategic, with God's help we __**can**__ win._

The angel's words are as sharp in memory as they were when he first said them and Dean knows, now that he went too far. Knows now that his words about God not caring, or being dead, were too much for the angel, the one who actually _believed_ in him.

_It's a pipe dream, Cas_

It is, he still agrees with his statement, because this is his life they are talking about, Apocalypse or not, and how much of his life actually ever goes right? This includes finding God, by the way, even if it _is_ Cas who is going to try and do it. Castiel is involved with him, is on Dean's side, by default at this point rather than through actual choice, which means that Dean's rubbish luck is going to affect the angel as much as it has everyone else that he knows.

_I killed two angels this week, some of my brothers.  
_

Dean has not thought on that since Cas did it, so much happening between times, what with the carvings on his ribs, being told that he is Michael's vessel and the actions that Zach took against them all. Worrying about Bobby's ability to walk has also been at the front of his mind and the deaths of a couple of angels were shoved to the side. He regrets that now. Regrets his lack of thought and his behaviour towards Castiel

_I'm hunted, I've rebelled..._

Dean cannot imagine what it is like to be cut off so utterly from your own family, the people who should have your back, he does not want to imagine it either, he may be alone right now, but Bobby and Sam, Ellen and Jo, if he needs them they are only a phone call away. Even Cas is on the other end of a line now, if he will even answer, given the way that Dean has behaved the last few days he would not blame the angel if he were to chose not to.

_And I did it, all of it, for you..._

The words hurt, even just the memory of it, because it makes Dean remember that this is his fault, that the way that Cas is now is _his_ fault. He cannot possibly believe otherwise, because Castiel put his faith, his belief, everything, in Dean. It is all kind of baffling, all a little overwhelming, because Dean has only had that kind of faith from one other person, and it was lost all too quickly, somewhere between the ages of thirteen and fourteen, he wonders if Sam has any kind of faith in him now, he certainly lacks faith in himself.

_And you failed..._

Dean does not need to be reminded of his failure, has reminded himself of it enough every day of the last week, every night too when he should be sleeping but it too caught up in Sam and Bobby and _Cas_, because even if he failed him, failed himself and the world, Castiel believed in him, and that means more than Dean thinks that he can put into words. Certainly it means more to him that Dean thinks he will ever be able to tell the angel.

_You and your brother, destroyed the world..._

The world is falling apart around him, he just went up against _War_ for crying out loud, and Dean does not know how to put it all right, does not know if he even can. His plan, kill Lucifer, is a bad one, he knows that, but there is nothing else that he can do, nothing else that he can think of, because finding _God_ as a plan is possibly even worse.

Still, it may be their only chance to end this.

_And I lost everything for nothing..._

Dean pulls into the first motel that he finds after that sentence has run through his head on a continuous loop for over an hour and it brings him nothing but shame. His cell phone rings and he answers it as he flings his bags down on the king bed in the room, half hopes it is Sam, half hopes that it is someone, anyone, else because he does not know what he would say to his brother at this moment, not when his thoughts are so far from Sam.

"Where are you?" The gravelly tones are Castiel's and he tells him without thought, it only occurs to him when the line goes dead that this is not necessarily Castiel's voice at all, they have been fooled before.

_So keep your opinions __**to yourself.**_

Castiel is in the room within moments and something goes tight in Dean's gut, the angel looks so alone, so downtrodden, the trench coat that was always big now seems to drown him.

"I need your help," he says, no preamble, no harsh words, just simple honesty. Dean still thinks that this is a bad plan, still thinks that finding God is a terrible idea, but he thinks on the last words, thinks about Castiel's insistence for Dean to honour his belief and he does it. He nods and when the tension goes out of Castiel and he sags a little in relief, Dean's heart soars a little and his gut unclenches.

He gestures and they both sit, no apologies needed, no words necessary, just the job.

_Reviews are like candy and I promise to share!_

_Artemis_


	2. Chapter 2

_This was supposed to be a one-shot, it really was, and I'm ending it right after this part because I really can't justfy continuing beyond this point. The Dean/Cas angle is a little bit stronger in this one, and more on Cas's part as this is in his POV. I will say that I blame lotus-bugxm9 for encouraging me, but I really don't mind in the least. _

Castiel is well aware that neither he nor Dean has approached the subject of the exchange that they shared in Bobby Singer's hospital room. He is also well aware that it is entirely possible they never will, Dean does not like to discuss such things, preferring the idea that if he ignores them, they will go away, and Castiel will be the first to admit that as far as emotional understanding goes, he is about as aware of it as a tree stump.

It has to be discussed, however, because the words are hanging over them both like a death threat and he knows that as much as Dean's words hurt him, his own also hurt Dean and that is something that Castiel has never been interested in doing. The words are always there, though, in the back of Castiel's mind and the angel knows that Dean thinks on them a great deal as well. They cannot be expected to function in this way and Castiel knows that he will have to be the one to approach Dean.

_Enough, this is not a theological issue, it's strategic, with God's help we __**can**__ win._

"We need to talk," he tells the human, no preamble, no niceties, the simple truth and he can see the wheels turning in Dean's mind as he tries to think of a way out of this, attempts to shrug it all off. "Dean, please."

Dean closes his eyes, sits on one of the rickety chairs with a sigh and finally turns hard green eyes upon the angel.

"Go ahead, talk."

_It's a pipe dream, Cas_

"I would like to apologise for my words in the hospital a few days ago, they were unnecessarily harsh and I have no right to blame you for my mistakes." The words do not come easily, especially with the memory of Dean's mingling with the memory of his own.

He sees Dean shift uncomfortably. The mistakes were Castiel's and his alone, if he had not listened to Dean, if he had not let his admiration for the man's tenacity in the face of all odds, the brilliant burn of a righteous heart, he would not be in this position now. So he stands, arms limp at his sides, and watches Dean, is not sure if he expects an apology in return or not and wonders if Dean will brush this all off, knows him well enough to know that he will likely end this as soon as he can.

_I killed two angels this week, some of my brothers..._

The words still play in his mind over and over, something else he could have said or done to get his point across better, that maybe he should not have lost his temper in the first place and is beginning to think that he could stand here until the end of days arrives and still be waiting for Dean to acknowledge his words.

"No, Cas, it," Dean clears his throat and for one moment Castiel thinks that he is going to reject the apology, "you _had_ every right to..., I didn't think about, I'm _bad_ at this," he admits and this is why the words have lingered, because neither on knows how to confront them.

_I'm hunted, I've rebelled..._

They still search for him, the other angels, though he has pulled himself as far into the vessel as he can, though he has made himself as low as possible without actually falling, and one day they will find him and when they do he will die, if he does not do so before hand. The important thing is that Dean survives, is that Dean understands why Castiel is so angry. Not because of all the things that he has lost, but because he is afraid of everything that he still has to lose.

_And I did it, all of it, for you..._

Castiel will probably never really understand why he felt that it was necessary for him to acquiesce to Dean's demands, why his stomached twisted in knots while Dean yelled and raged and demanded that he help, just simply that it did and that the roiling feeling there in the pit of his stomach lessened when he decided to help the hunter. He likes to fool himself into believing that he did it for God too.

It is a lie.

Everything that he has done since the 'green room' has been for Dean and perhaps it is ill advised and perhaps he really will die doing it all, but it will still be for Dean first and foremost. Castiel cannot think of a better reason.

_And you failed..._

It is not only Dean's fault, that Sam broke the final seal, and Castiel has to tell him this, even though the room has lapsed into uncomfortable silence and Dean seems to think that the conversation is over, Castiel needs to tell him that it is his fault too. Dean would have succeeded in stopping Sam, if Castiel had not let him out.

Dean is angry, has every right to be, and for a moment Castiel worries that he will be ordered out of the room and out of Dean's sight, told not to bother returning.

"Were those your orders? To let Sam go even though I'd already made my promise?"

_You and your brother, destroyed the world..._

"Yes, I am truly sorry, Dean," and he means it, he really does.

"So you helped them make sure that Sam and I were responsible for making sure that Lucifer got free." It is not a question and Dean scrubs a hand over his face. He is not even angry about it, seems almost too weary to be angry, but Castiel can feel his disappointment and that is somehow worse. "Guess we're all to blame."

_And I lost everything for nothing..._

They are, all of them and Castiel finds that he does not blame Dean for anything that he has lost anymore, that he cannot, not when Dean is doing this for him, when he is helping without throwing his opinions in the angel's face, though Castiel doubts that this will continue for much longer. He cannot look at Dean now, not with all the thoughts and the realisations swirling through him, the emotions.

"You haven't lost _everything_, Cas," Dean tells him suddenly and Castiel turns blue eyes back up to him, understands what he means without Dean having to say it, that he will always have Dean to turn to and whether that is because Dean feels guilty about everything that Castiel has lost, or if it is because Dean genuinely likes him. Which ever it is, the angel cannot help but feel warmed by that, cannot help but take a few steps closer, to get into Dean's personal space and peer up into his eyes so that he can see the sincerity there.

That Dean means it is important to Castiel, as is the fact that the hunter does not look away, that he meets the eyes of the angel and holds them. That means something to the angel, something more than just simple gratitude or hope.

_So keep your opinions __**to yourself**_**.**

He has not lost everything and even if all he has is this friendship with a cantankerous hunter who seems to fluctuate between trying to break his nose and the simple joy of the fact that Castiel is alive, is as well as he can be given the circumstances. Castiel has to suppose that even if the hunter does not say it, that is what matters, that they are all alright and that somehow they will fix this.

Even if Dean does not believe in God, Castiel knows that he believes that they may be able to fix this and he clings to that, to Dean's belief and faith where Castiel has almost none. He believes in his Father, believes that he can find Him and that He will help them, but Dean believes that somehow, no matter the solution, they will eventually win. Castiel _has_ to have faith that this is the truth because without that, he does not know where he would be.

Still, he would have Dean, faith or no, and perhaps that is what matters.

_Artemis_


End file.
